CBI Blogs

September 22, 2024/19 Elul 5784
Rabbi Erin Boxt

As the High Holy Day Period is coming upon us fast, we tend to turn our focus (internally and externally) to seeking and giving forgiveness. It is in our attempts to heal these rifts among people that we spend so much time dwelling on in the month of Elul.

Perhaps you are familiar with the musical, Hamilton. When Alexander Hamilton admits to an affair, his wife, Eliza, understandably gets angry and pushes him away. With the death of their son, Philip, something happens to the two of them and Eliza is actually able to forgive Alexander. So, which was harder - Alexander asking for forgiveness or Eliza granting it?

It is very difficult to ask others for forgiveness, requiring humility and a true desire to listen and understand what others relate to you; it can be very hard to hear what others have to say. The act of "apologizing" carries less significance than understanding and doing better the next time around. Listening, understanding, and then changing - this is what matters...this is what counts.

Granting forgiveness? This is a personal decision; no one can expect or require something from another. In Judaism, we have a "vouchsafe" regarding forgiveness. A genuine attempt to change and apologize is required – 3 times. After the third attempt, if the forgiveness is not given, the sin/need for forgiveness transfers to the one unable to grant forgiveness. The 3 requests must be genuine and heartfelt. They cannot be just blanket statements with nothing else to follow.