CBI Blogs

September 23, 2024/20 Elul 5784
Rabbi Charlie Cytron-Walker

In a debate, there’s a winner and a loser. As a result, debate is a terrible way to resolve problems or bring people together. If our goal for family, our People, or our community is to “seek peace and pursue it” (Psalms 34:15), logical (or illogical) arguments won’t lead to reconciliation or healing. Instead, we have to suffer.

Sevel in Hebrew means suffering. It’s the root of the word savlanut – patience. To be patient means we have to suffer a bit. It’s also the root of sovlanut – tolerance. To tolerate another person’s ideas (especially when we know they are clearly wrong) requires a little suffering. 

Healing conflicts often requires moving towards understanding on some level. That means we might have to suffer and tolerate views that we find uncomfortable, if not offensive. It’s not easy to approach such conversations with patience. We might get angry or triggered. 

And… if we’re not just trying to score points or show someone how right we are, if we are willing to suffer a little so we can try to fathom where someone is coming from and why they might feel the way they do, that’s when we create the space for respectful, meaningful, challenging dialogue. Genuine curiosity and an openness to learn make healing possible.

Elul encourages us to bring enough humility to acknowledge our lack of perfection. And maybe we should suffer, too. Just enough to bring a little more tolerance into our life so we can strengthen or restore our relationships.